


10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT THE 21ST CENTURY.

by jhsdhalr



Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-17
Updated: 2012-09-17
Packaged: 2017-11-14 10:45:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/514404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another of my old stories I am collecting here. This one has rape and some unpleasant scenes. However, being me there is some humor also. </p><p>It's told in the first person by Jack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT THE 21ST CENTURY.

**Author's Note:**

> This was the first Torchwood fic I wrote. There are some parts without punctuation. This is intentional.

Number One. Condoms.

I hate condoms. I never saw a condom until I started to travel. Where I was born we didn't need the damn things. I don't need them now! I can't die! Sometimes I wish I could. Anyhow, here I am with this seriously hot guy and he's putting on a condom. I can't tell him why it isn't needed. Well, I was born in 5034 and venereal disease didn't exist. I'm also immortal. Oh, yeah I could tell him that!

We met in a bar. I always seem to meet guys in bars. I needed sex. Badly. Urgently. It has to be anonymous. I can't get involved with anyone. Obviously. After some vague conversation in which I told him my name was Jim, and he told me he was an accountant from someplace called Hull, we went to his place, which was conveniently just in the next block.

He's a great kisser and he has the most fantastic tongue. It ought to be classified as a concealed weapon. We gradually drifted to the bedroom, removing clothing on the way there. He liked my suspenders. He also spent a lot of time on my ears. I have very sensitive ears. Finally we reached the bed and I got a look at his cock. It's not true what someone once told me about noses. Then someone else told me it was feet that you had to look at. He has a small nose and big feet and a nice 8 incher. Any bigger would be a pain in the ass, literally.

He's got the thing on and now we'll get some serious action. I'm ready for it too. He spent so much time getting me ready for it I almost came. I'm squirming around and groaning and moaning. I'm always very noisy. I yell out- come on fuck me- and some other things I'm not going to think of now. I've done a lot of traveling and I know filthy words in around 40 different languages. He told me that it was an ultra sensitive condom. Great, I thought. I help to speed things up a bit by rolling onto my back and lifting my legs up over his shoulders. It's not the most comfortable position but I like to see the guy that's fucking me.

Ah. At last. Now. He's moving in rhythm and my ass is making that familiar squelching, sucking sound. Fuck. This bed creeks and squeaks something awful. I can't stop talking and moaning and he starts to grunt at each thrust. The bed makes more and more noise. So do we. He changes the angle and hits my sweet spot and I yell out and come. I don't know where it goes. Sometimes I can shoot right over my head. When I was very young we had pissing contests and then we moved onto more adult pursuits. I usually won. He's onto his now and I really miss feeling that hot stuff spurting up inside me, even it it does make the bed or whatever a real mess.

He pulls out and sits back on his heels. He takes off the condom. I see he's looking behind me at the wall behind the bed. God- he says. I'm not ready to move yet. I feel boneless. I'd like to sleep some. I shut my eyes. You- he mutters- it's on the wall. How d'you do that?-I don't know how I do it. It just goes a long way. You've got some in your hair- he says and laughs. He has green eyes. I like green eyes. The first guy I ever fucked had green eyes. That's far in the future, and far in the past all at the same time. How could I ever explain it?

I open my eyes and look at him. His body is partly in shadow. It's well past midnight and I study his body calmly. I like it. A lot. I feel a heat rising in my chest and then I start to get hard again. He seems surprised. I can tell he's surprised. Can't do anything for a while- he says with a deep sigh. Give me a blow then - I say. He wants to use another condom. It's not safe- he says- any exchange of fluids. Fuck, I think, let's exchange some fluids. I don't want him to suck me while I'm wearing a condom. It's ludicrous.

He's cut. I'm not, of course. No-one is in my time. It's considered barbaric. He decides to just use his hands. No risk that way. I don't care. I just want to get off. He's too careful. I tell him to be rougher. He moves the skin and I start leaking. I start to moan and grunt again. I can't help myself. I'm squirming and I start to give him instructions. I don't know whether he's listening. I feel my entire body on the point of convulsing. I love that feeling. I wish it could be bottled. I feel myself loosing control and then it starts. He's holding me firmly. He holds my cock so when I come it spurts straight up like a fountain. He's bending forward slightly and it hits his chest, and then his head and then.......I don't know.

At last he lies down beside me and I put my arms around him. I like to cuddle afterward. I like to feel a hot sweaty, sticky body against me. I don't know what he likes. I'll never know. He puts his arms around me anyhow. I can smell his sweat. I can see it on his face. He has a hairy chest. It tickles. I shut my eyes. I can feel sleep hovering near. I find I'm thinking about Ianto. Not anyone else. Just him. I've never seen him naked. I wonder if he's hung. I realized some time ago that I was very attracted to Ianto. When I jerk off I think of him. No-one on Earth knows me. I'm a stranger out of time. Gwen asked me once if I had ever loved anyone more than life itself. I didn't answer. But I have and I do.

 

Number Two. Beer.

 

I hate beer. I hate it. I like whiskey, spirits. Yet here I am, in a bar, with a large glass of it in front of me. I had plans for tonite. I had it all organized in my mind. I was going to get fucked. I need it. It's essential for health. For medical reasons even. I cleaned myself out very thoroughly. I showered for ages. I shaved and splashed my body with something stinky. I dressed casually. I don't have many clothes but I have a few changes. I squeezed into a pair of tight jeans. I put on a white T. I was ready. Then my team suddenly turned up. They'd all left an hour before. Even Ianto had gone home. Then they were back again.

Surprise, Gwen shouted-and they gathered about me and burst into a spirited and somewhat tuneless rendition of Happy Birthday to you. I had my evening sorted. I was going to go to a bar and ..well. I hadn't forgotten it was my birthday. I don't know how old I am but I know the day I was born. I thought that they had forgotten it was my birthday. I hoped they had. It is dispiriting to celebrate a birthday when you don't know how old you are and you know you are not going to age anyhow. After the singing they gave me gifts. Ianto, who clearly thinks I need more clothes, gave me two shirts. Gwen gave me a large box containing various men's toiletries. I hope she's not trying to tell me something. No, she'd just come out and say- you stink. Owen said he didn't know what to buy, so he didn't get anything. Tosh gave me a very large box of chocolates. Everyone expected me to open the box right away, so I did. Then they proceeded to help me empty the box. I think I had three chocolates in all.

So, here we are. Drinking. Evidently, this beer is something special. It's brewed the old fashioned way. Whatever that means. I sip it carefully and it's foul. I try to look as if I am enjoying it. It's more difficult than fighting aliens. Much more difficult. This is the first treat they have planned for me, I discover. Next we're going to have dinner in some Italian place. Spaghetti. Made on the premises or something. With hand made meat balls. I don't like food that tries to escape while you're eating it. I smile and attempt to look as if I'm having a good time. It's not easy. After that we're going on to some kind of club. Maybe I'll get lucky there. If I can give my four guardians the slip.

I manage to finish my beer. Then Owen says -I'll get another round in, and then we'll go. I find I'm faced with another glass of beer. I look around the bar to distract myself from the beer and see that one of the guys leaning on the counter has a great butt. If only, I think. Then I have to drink the beer. They're waiting. Once I would have just hurt their feelings without a second thought. I'm hampered now by trying to do the right thing. I don't want to upset them. I drink the beer. We all get up and I need to piss. I wave my hand towards the sign on the wall that says Gentleman/Ladies.

There's something wrong with the lights in this place. Only one is working and that's very dim. I finish and as I shake off a hand reaches over and grabs my cock. It is the guy from the bar with the great butt. He releases me just as I'm starting to get hard. Then he says- I know there's a room upstairs we can have. I can't-I say-I'm with a party. Outside my Team are waiting. I know they mean well but suddenly I'm real mad with all of them. I try to hide it and smile at them. I could win an Oscar for the performance I'm giving here, I think.

The spaghetti is good. I have never gotten the knack of twirling it around my fork, however. When I was young there was no such thing as spaghetti. I end up sucking lengths of it into my mouth as it drops off back towards my plate. I am relieved to discover that Owen is even more useless at eating it tidily than I am. Ianto is the expert but Tosh and Gwen are not far behind. Ianto demonstrates to Owen and me the correct way of eating it. This results in Owen dropping some down his shirt, while I drop mine on the floor. Tosh and Gwen enjoy this immensely. I realize that I have never seen Tosh laugh before. Not so much anyhow. We have wine with our meal. I'm not too fond of wine but at least, I think, it isn't beer.

When we get up to leave for the Club, the room sways alarmingly. Ianto grabs hold of my arm and it steadies. I'm having difficulty in weaving my way through the tables to the exit. I'm sure there's more tables in here than when we arrived. I'm very hot too. I knew I shouldn't have worn a leather jacket. Outside the cold air hits me so hard I almost fall down. Ianto keeps me upright. Owen drives. This pisses me off since I like to do all the driving. You can't drive- Owen says to me- you're drunk. I insist that I'm not, even though I'm starting to think I am. Beer always has a bad effect on me.

The Club is alarmingly noisy and very dark. A crush of people are dancing. We sit at a table in one corner. It has a sign on it saying -Reserved. A waitress wearing almost nothing comes up to the table and Owen orders something. She has great tits and I can't stop staring at them. When she leaves I notice that Gwen and Tosh have great tits too. Tosh has a black top. It's very low cut. Gwen's is tight. Admiring them is giving me a hard on. It seems even being drunk doesn't affect that. I find I'm wondering what it would be like to fuck them. One after the other. I realize it is a long time since I fucked a woman. It's more difficult with women. They always want to talk afterward while I just want a quick cuddle and then a long sleep. Owen and Gwen get up and disappear into the throng of dancers. A guy comes up and whisks Tosh off and Ianto and I are left. I'm calming down now so I say to Ianto-dance? I can't hear his answer but he stands up right away.

Watching Ianto dance is a revelation. He's good. He has a great sense of rhythm. Just as I'm admiring him the music slows and most people immediately leave the floor. Ianto and I kind of drift into each other's arms as if that had been our intention all along. I'm feeling more sober and then I start to get hard again. I try to move away from Ianto before he feels it but he is surprisingly strong and wont let me. We move slowly together. Then I feel it. Ianto. Getting hard. For me. I think, I can't let this happen, I can't get involved with Ianto, I can't get involved with anyone. It isn't fair on me or on them. Ianto will grow old. I'll stay the same. I'll have to leave. I feel like shouting and yelling and hitting something. With a tremendous effort of will I separate myself from him and return to our table. In my absence something has been placed on the table. It is a birthday cake.

I have to sit there and smile while my team plus an assortment of onlookers sing Happy Birthday yet again. Then I have to blow out a collection of candles on the cake. While they're singing I count them. There are 36. I seem to remember being 36 before. As I blow them out several people shout- don't forget to make a wish. I make my wish. I always wish for the same thing if I wish at all. The cake is delicious. It is white chocolate. It has swirls of darker chocolate all over the top. It melts in my mouth. I look at Ianto as he eats his slice. I watch his tongue come out and lick up stray pieces of chocolate. I feel an overwhelming love for him so strong it makes me dizzy. I've lived a long time already and I've been in love before, but this is extraordinary this feeling I have for him. I want him so much it's like a ache that never goes away. I don't want to love anyone again. It's so difficult to leave each time. I wish this evening was over.

Much later I am alone at last. It's past three in the morning. I go out and walk in the town. It is empty. I turn a corner and there are two men. They are fucking out in the street quite openly. One is bending over holding onto a low wall while the other stands up behind him. I watch them. I get hard. I undo my jeans and take out my cock. I watch the men. I'm sure they've both noticed me, but they don't stop. I move my hand firmly up and down. It feels good and I think of Ianto's cock. I still don't know if he's cut. I start to breathe hard and bite my lip so I don't shout and moan. I watch as the standing man comes. He pulls out whilst he's still dripping and a few quick jerks on the other's cock is all it takes for him to get off too. They both watch me as I come myself a moment later. It shoots out onto the sidewalk. I hold my cock out but even so the last bit goes on my boots. The men start to leave. One of them turns back momentarily and gives me the thumbs up sign.

Alone I stand for a moment and stare at my come. The bit on my boot is already drying. The rest glistens on the wet sidewalk. I gaze up at the sky. In town it is never completely black. I can see the glow of the city lights and, far away, stars twinkling. I suddenly feel like a complete bastard. My team made a special effort for me tonite. Whatever happens between us in heated moments we always come through for each other. I take a deep breath and I can smell the smell of the City. I'm alive. I'm in love. I might live forever. I'll see things and do things they can't even dream about. I've already lived more life than them all put together. I turn my footsteps back to the Hub. I start to whistle. I feel happy.

 

Number Three. The Beds.

 

I hate my bed. I sleep in it frequently. I hate it just the same. There is simply no such thing as a comfortable bed in Cardiff. Probably in the entire World. The first bed I ever slept in on my own was made of a material that hasn't been invented yet. It molded itself to whatever position you were in. It kept you at a constant comfortable temperature. You could change it into something else by simply pressing buttons. Material that is advertised as doing something similar in this century doesn't work. I've tried it.

I like to sleep naked. Luckily it's usually hot where I sleep. I like to be warm. Unfortunately I haven't gotten too old to have wet dreams. I haven't had a fuck for ages and I'm getting desperate. Everyone has gone so I go to my uncomfortable bed. I'm in my bed and I'm dreaming about Ianto. We're in someplace with a huge bed. So unlike my own bed here. I'm inside him. It feels fantastically wonderful. I'm making all my usual noise and he's very noisy too. He's tight, but not too much. I know I'm dreaming even as I dream but it's great anyhow. He's lying face down and I'm moving faster and faster and I can feel it building and I'm tensing and shaking and --and--then I awake. I'm lying on my back and I'm coming. I don't move for a while. I can feel my heart beating. I need to get some, I think vaguely.

I can't think logically when I'm sexually frustrated. Everything makes me think of sex. By the time I'm clothed my team have arrived and are diligently working. I stand and watch them for a moment and Ianto comes along with a cup of coffee and a bagel. I sit down and eat the bagel and think about fucking. I find I'm thinking about fucking the bagel. Could I get my cock in the hole, I wonder. Since it is obviously too small for me, I wonder if bigger bagels are available. Come and look at this, Owen says-interupting my thoughts. We all obediently go to look, what d'you think that is? Owen asks, waving a hand at the screen in front of him. He's been analyzing some samples he's taken from a Weevil we had locked up that suddenly died yesterday of an unknown cause. We all look at the screen and there is an image. It isn't immediately recognizable but I suddenly think it looks like a hand. It looks like a foot, says Gwen-. Tosh thinks it looks like a hand. They are waiting for me to say something. I'm about to say I agree with Tosh but I'm distracted by Ianto arriving to see what we are looking at. He stands almost in front of me and bends over to look closely at the image. I find I'm staring at his butt. His pants are pulling over it and I can see his crack. I suddenly feel very hot and then I start to get hard.

Ianto seems oblivious to my discomfort as he bends over even more. I step forward and at that moment he straightens up abruptly. We are so close that until I move back we are literally pressed together. There is no way he couldn't notice the state I'm in, I think. Luckily everyone is paying attention to Owen as he describes what he has found . Evidently the Weevil had eaten most of a hand and it hadn't been digested. They all start talking about the hand. I say I have to go get something. They are so intent on the hand they don't ask me what I have to fetch. I escape. When I reach safety I notice that there is a wet spot on my pants.

I sit on my uncomfortable bed and undo my pants. It is such a relief to get my hands on my cock that I find I'm groaning loudly with pleasure. I try not to make a noise. It's difficult because I'm naturally noisy. I slide back the skin and rub my finger slowly over the head of my cock. I'm leaking now and I start to move. I daydream. I suddenly find I'm thinking of something that happened a long time ago. I was new to traveling. I knew only what I'd been told. I soon discovered some of that wasn't very accurate. I wonder what my people would think if they knew I'd fucked a sheep. I'd never seen one before. It was alone in a field. I later found that they usually come in groups. I climbed over a metal fence to reach the sheep and tore my pants. I went to it and touched its woolly coat. It felt slightly greasy. I guided it to the fence without much difficulty and very helpfully it pushed its head through the fence and couldn't get it out again. I didn't know whether it would be dry or tight or not, so I after I pulled out my cock I rubbed some of the grease from the sheep's coat on it. Then I fucked it. I enjoyed it. I held onto its coat and came spectacularly. I maneuvered its head out of the fence before I left. I'd just gotten back onto the road when a girl came by on a bicycle. I'd never seen a bicycle before either.

The girl stopped and asked me if I needed any help. She had blond hair and very nice legs. I thought momentarily that it would be great to fuck her, but I just said I was fine and she rode away. I'm thinking of all these things when the door opens and Ianto's head appears. I'm so surprised that I come instantly. I'm kind of slouched down with my head on the wall and this is not a big space. As I come Ianto enters the room. The two things seem to happen together. I watch as if in slow motion, although it's actually only seconds, as the first spurt flies out and lands on the floor between my feet. The second hits Ianto in the chest. The third lands on my right knee. Ianto doesn't move for a moment. He looks at his suit. You seem pleased to see me, he says, grinning-Um, I say unintelligently. I'm never at my brightest when I've just gotten off.

This will have to go to the cleaners, Ianto says- looking at his jacket. He actually comes over and sits beside me on the bed then. I'm half lying down and half sitting up with my cock hanging out and he sits down as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened. What were you thinking about? he asks me, or is it a secret? Sheep, I hear myself say. Ianto doesn't even look surprised. I stand up and attempt to tidy myself. My cock is sticky and I'm sweating. I can feel sweat running all over my body. My hair is wet with it.

Ianto gets up and goes to the door. He leaves. Then his head reappears for a moment. I like your prick, he says. I sit down on the bed again. I find I'm saying over and over like a mantra, Ianto likes my prick--Ianto likes my prick. Maybe, I think, he'd like it inside him. I still don't know if he's cut or how big he is. Not knowing is driving me crazy.

When I'm cleaned up I go back to where the others are all sitting at the table. They're eating pizza. I sit down at the head of the table as usual and Ianto hands me a large piece of pizza. I see that Owen is looking at me. He's wearing a wide grin. Our eyes meet and he says, we all know when you jerk off, Jack, you make so much noise. I don't answer. Ianto comes to my rescue. Everyone does it, he says, and while we're telling tales, we've all heard you and Gwen, and I've seen you too. Yeah, says Owen, well we all know you're Jack's bum boy. Ianto gets up then, and so does Owen. Sit down, I say, there's nothing between Ianto and myself, nothing. They sit down and as they do I see the expression on Ianto's face. He's mad with Owen. Then he looks at me and turns away. Before he does I see him clearly, perhaps for the first time. I know then. I know his heart. I see it in his face before he looks away. He is in love with me.

 

Number Four. Rats.

 

I hate rats. I've always hated rats. We often get them in the Hub and if you can't see them you can hear them scampering about. Owen puts down poisoned bait for them and then you're likely to find a stiff, dead rat lying somewhere with foam on its face. Ugh! We had rats when I was a kid. We didn't have a lot of the animals that are about in this century, but we did have rats. They were big too. Big and vicious. Big and vicious and immune to all poisons. They had to be killed by some sort of ray which hasn't been invented yet. I didn't have access to it when I came here. However, our rats die of poison quite readily. I have dreams where I'm being chased by giant rats. Real huge rats. Like, 72 inches tall.

When I wake up this morning I remember I had a rat dream. This rat was alone though and it had a huge erection. I try not to think of what that might mean. Maybe I'm just going crazy. Then I dreamed I was fucking Ianto. It felt great and as usual I woke up as I was coming and yet again ruined my bedsheets. This has got to stop, I tell myself. This Ianto obsession. I cannot get involved with him. He'll grow older and I'll stay the same. It wouldn't be fair. I go through in my mind all the old arguments that I use to stop myself from getting too close to anyone. I decide I really have to get laid. Somehow. I plan my evening.

When at last everyone has gone home, or wherever they go when they leave the Hub, I go out. I go to several bars and three clubs. But I give up and decide to go home at around three in the morning unsatisfied and mad with myself. I could have got it on with at least four people but I find I compare everyone I meet to Ianto and none of them measure up. I start to wander the streets of Cardiff quite aimlessly. At around three thirty I see a pile of garbage by a wall and there are rats climbing all over it. I rush around a corner to escape from the rats and walk right into someone. It's Ianto. He is the last person I expect to see wandering about at night. He isn't even wearing a suit. He's wearing jeans and a very long coat made out of some type of fur. He looks magnificent.

Hi, I say, I thought you'd be at home in bed before now. I wasn't tired, he answers. I feel his coat. I want to touch him but I just grope his coat. Real? I ask. Artificial, he says. We start to wander along the street side by side. We chat casually about things like the weather. He finally stops outside a grey apartment block. I live here, he tells me, want to come in? Do I want to come in? A voice inside my head shouts--YES YES YES!! I shouldn't give way to this voice, but I can't deny it. I can't.

Ten minutes later we're sitting on Ianto's sofa drinking coffee. It's good coffee. We have both removed our outer clothing and since Ianto then removed his shoes and socks I took mine off as well. This was a big mistake because I now keep looking at Ianto's bare feet. He has very attractive feet. I look up from admiring them yet again and catch him looking at mine. I feel the familiar heat rising in my chest and as usual it sinks rapidly downwards. It occurs to me that I'm getting a hard on because Ianto has bare feet. I don't move or say anything though. I just sit there. Ianto suddenly puts down his coffee cup. He leans over and takes mine out of my hand. Then he moves along the sofa and puts his arms around me and kisses me. I kiss him back, of course. He is a wonderful kisser. We get more comfortable on the sofa and he starts to explore the inside of my mouth with his tongue. Our tongues touch and the electricity between us is so strong I wonder why I'm still upright. He moves his mouth away from mine and licks his way to my left ear. I have very sensitive ears. I groan and lean away from him a bit. I try without success to pull his shirt out of his pants. He stops all movement then and leans back, taking his hands off me.

Jack, he says. Ianto, I reply. He puts the palm of his hand on my right knee. He moves it slowly up the inside of my thigh, and then, just as he's nearly at the top, he moves it back down toward my knee again. I lean back and open my legs as far as I can without actually injuring something. He lets go of my leg and pulls me upright. I sag against him and he pulls down my suspenders. I'm not doing anything here. He is in complete control. He releases me and stands up. I flop against the back of the sofa and watch him as he removes his shirt, his pants, and his boxers. I look at his cock. He isn't cut. His cock is almost flat against his body. I love it. I love him. Madly. I sit up and he helps me remove my shirt and undershirt. Then I stand up and he watches as I strip naked. We hug each other and I can feel every inch of his body against mine. My skin is tingling all over. I'm finding it hard to breathe. I hear his breathing hitch and he kisses my neck and then bites it. I press kisses over every bit of his body that I can reach. The feel of his skin seems to move through my lips. I can feel it even in my toes. I'm so hard now it's actually starting to hurt. I kiss him frantically and as we cling together we both overbalance and fall onto the floor in front of the sofa. Luckily there is a rug there. He's on top of me and my head has somehow ended up pressed into his chest. He has a great chest. He's sweating and I can smell him and the sweat on his chest wets my face. I'm groaning and panting and marvelous, so is he.

Jack, he says again. Then he says, we ought to go somewhere more comfortable. I hold onto him firmly and roll us over so I am on top. Then I wriggle until we can look into each others eyes. No, I say, here, now, right here. He smiles. I love his smile. Are you a top? he asks. I seem to be, I answer. He laughs and his laugh shakes our bodies. He reaches down between us with difficulty and rearranges things so our cocks are kind of aligned. Then he starts to move under me. He's lifting his hips up and then lowering them to the rug again. I press down against him as he lifts up and then he starts to do this movement with his body that makes our cocks rub together. It's fantastic. I can feel his cock moving against mine. Our movements are really messing up the rug. It's curling up in ridges around us.

I'm going to come, I shout out, as I feel it gathering and then become a rush of delicious sensation. My whole body jerks in rhythm with my cock and I'm dimly aware of Ianto shouting something too and then for a few moments I'm not aware of anything except the heavenly feeling of coming. When my senses return I realize that Ianto has come too. We must have come together. Then I stop thinking and roll us onto our sides and hug him as close as I can. We are sticking together with sweat and come. I'm still panting as Ianto says, God. Before I can stop myself I hear myself say, I love you. I'm crazy about you. I have been for ages. I've always loved you, he says, even when I wanted you dead. This sounds so nutty that I start to laugh. He laughs too. You know what I mean, he says, at last. Yeah, I say, I do.

We shower together. It's a terrific squash but it's great. We both get hard again. I want him badly. So much that my brain is fried and I can't produce a coherent sentence. Ianto maneuvers us so he is standing behind me and then, with startling dexterity considering the small space we're in, he bends down, spreads the cheeks of my ass and I feel his tongue tasting me and then pushing just inside. He has a wonderful tongue. He removes his tongue and then I feel a finger enter me. He's using shower gel as lube which is not good. It makes my ass burn. I pull away. I won't do it if you don't want to, he says. Shower gel, I mutter incoherently, burns. He straightens up and I feel him press a gentle kiss between my shoulder blades. Let's go to bed, he says. I feel I must say something about this. I muster all my energy and finally say, I'm not clean. Course you are , he says with startling innocence, we're in the shower. It may get messy, I tell him, I gave myself a clean out before I went out but that was hours ago and I've eaten two burgers with fries since then, and onions, I add.

Ianto lets go of me then and leaves the shower stall. He picks up a towel and starts to dry himself. I follow his example. Well, that's that, I think. I feel my erection shrinking. A wave of acute misery hits me. Then he turns to me and says, bed then. What about? I ask, waving a hand towards my butt. I don't care about any of that, he says, so what if we make a mess, I've got all mods cons here, we can clean it up. My cock likes this idea immensely. It starts to perk up right away. So we go to bed.

Ianto is a revelation in, or rather to be accurate on, bed. Again I let him control everything. It feels so good to let someone else make all the decisions for once. He even has some water based lube. I wonder why he has it. He explores me thoroughly using plenty of lube. I'm lying on a towel and it gets so wet I think it must be soaking onto the bedding. I try to relax as much as possible. It's difficult because I'm worried. Ianto has a big cock. It's actually slightly longer than mine. I think mine is thicker though. I bend my knees and open my legs so far I can feel the strain in my thighs. Ianto leans over me and his cock is nudging my hole. I relax as much as I can and I feel it pushing inside me. Finally he starts to move in and out of me, gradually increasing the depth of his thrusts until he almost pulls right out before he pushes hard back in again. I'm groaning and shouting and he's muttering fuck, oh fuck, over and over again. The bed is actually moving and jolting and I'm dimly aware that it is moving very slowly away from the wall behind. I grab hold of my cock just as Ianto changes the angle of his thrusts and hits that spot. Then I'm coming and coming and shouting out and its going everywhere and my anus contracts around his cock and he shouts something and I feel him come inside me. He pulls out and we hug each other tightly. That was, that was, I hear myself mumble, fantastic, out of this world. He kisses my nose and then my forehead. I must taste you sometime, he says, this is good. I realize I have come on my face and he is licking it off.

Much later I awake. We are on our sides and he's pressed up tight behind me. I can feel his chest moving as he breaths slowly and deeply in sleep. I move away from him and roll onto my back. I look at him as he sleeps. I try to think of what the future will be like now. We can't just go on as before and forget this night. As I look at him I start to get hard again. Then he moves onto his back and his eyes open. He turns towards me. It's morning and an unexpected sun is brightening the room, shining through the drawn drapes. I stop thinking about the future. This is now, the future will take care of itself. I roll so I am on top of him and kiss him hard. He responds immediately. I press my cock against him and he is hard too. He starts to bend his knees and raise his legs. My turn, I say. Yes, he says, yes, yes.

 

Number Five. Shaving

 

Loud noises of vehicles and horns blasting wake me up. I didn't get much sleep so I roll over and shut my eyes. The noise keeps me awake. Ianto sleeps through it. I roll up against him and wrap my arms around him. I still can't return to sleep however, and my bladder is also insisting that I get up, so I do. For some reason Ianto has a large mirror fixed to the wall behind the toilet. This means you can actually watch yourself as you pee. My hair is completely mussed and I look flushed. I turn on the shower and I'm happily soaking in it when the door opens and Ianto joins me.

What's all that noise? I ask him, as he squashes beside me in the shower. Rush hour, he replies. I could have had more sleep. One part of me definitely isn't tired though. It perks up immediately Ianto appears. He moves around in the small space we have until we're face to face. There's so little room that we're pressed up tightly together. I feel Ianto getting hard. I kiss him. It's strange kissing someone with water cascading down on you. The water's quite hot and the steam means it's becoming hard to see anything. Ianto squeezes shower gel onto his hands from a container that is hanging on the back wall of the shower. Then he bends down and starts to wash me. I get some gel and we wash each other. It's extremely sexy. There's barely enough room but we manage somehow.

We leave the shower and return to the bedroom. The bed is a mess. We lie down on it and kiss again. We explore each others mouths. I love Ianto's mouth, and his tongue and...I stop all thought as he suddenly turns on the bed so his face is down by my cock. He kisses the head of my cock and then puts his mouth over me. I feel the stubble on his chin as the moist heat of his mouth surges through me and I start to groan and pant. I want to do the same to him but I can't right away. He starts to suck firmly and I can't stop myself from pumping in and out of his mouth. I try not to push too hard but it's difficult. I'm coming. I can feel it. I clutch at the bedsheets as I shoot into his mouth. He doesn't pull away. He swallows everything.

When I've gotten my breath back a little I open my eyes. My face feels sticky and damp. Ianto starts to sit up. I look at his cock and it's almost soft. Sorry, he says. What? I mumble stupidly. I wipe a hand over my face. It's covered in come. I was so busy with my own sensations I didn't even feel Ianto come on me. How did you do that? I ask. I realize he must have come without even touching himself. I don't know, he says. I start to laugh. We need another shower, I say. It occurs to me that we could spend all day doing this if we had the energy. We might never leave the apartment. However, The Hub is beckoning. For once I don't want to go there. I'd like to take the day off. Have a mini vacation. I don't though.

I have another shower. Alone this time. Then I have to shave. I use Ianto's shaver after he has used it. I hate shaving. When I first needed to shave I had what I suppose was a sort of sonic shaver. You didn't have to put it onto your skin at all. You turned it on and just held it and moved it so that a green beam shone on whatever bits you wanted to shave. The hair disappeared. It removed some of the hair directly under the skin too so you didn't need to shave every day. I only needed to shave every four or five days. I brought it with me when I started making trips. Then it developed a fault and I couldn't mend it. A great loss. I hate the feeling of Ianto's shaver. I hate the noise it makes. I use it anyhow.

Once we're back in the Hub, Ianto turns into super efficient Ianto again and makes everyone coffee. I look at him as he puts the cup down beside me. I think, you came on my face earlier today. He drifts away and I have to concentrate on work. It's very difficult. Nearly impossible, in fact. Luckily it is a rare quiet day. The only excitement all day occurs when a Weevil we had locked up suddenly has some kind of fit and dies. Owen opens it up and inside it is an almost complete human hand. It's hardly digested. He died of acute indigestion, Owen says, and laughs. This is the second time this has happened. It's worrying. This gives Tosh the opportunity to tell us the tale of a shark that swallowed an arm. The shark evidently had indigestion and vomited up the arm when it was captured. The arm was then identified, Tosh tells us, by a tattoo. I'm skeptical about this. Owen and Gwen assure me that they've heard this tale before and its true. Then they all start wondering whose hand our Weevil had swallowed. Owen says he couldn't find any more pieces of the body. The hand unfortunately does not have an identifying tattoo.

At last Owen, Gwen and Tosh leave. They clearly expect Ianto to leave with them. He says he has some work to finish first. As soon as they are gone though Ianto comes over to me and kisses me. His mouth feels great. We stop kissing and stand pressed up against each other. I can feel Ianto getting hard. I am too. He leans away from me slightly and touches my cock through my pants. It's poking downwards and is very uncomfortable. You've gone commando, he says. I feel him in return. So have you, I reply. He grins and starts to rub me through my pants. I lean against him. He is surprisingly strong. Much stronger than he appears to be when you just see him moving quietly about the Hub. He stops the rubbing and opens my pants. My cock springs out and up and I notice a wet patch on the leg of my pants. I work on Ianto's pants and get them down too. Ianto rubs his hand through the hairs in my groin and says, have you ever thought of shaving? Since my I.Q. goes down as my cock goes up I mutter, I do it nearly every day. Not that hair, Ianto explains, this hair. He pats my groin. My cock suddenly jumps, obviously thinking it's going to get some attention.

I used to shave my body. Long ago before I began to travel. Most people did it. Both sexes. Body hair was considered unpleasant. I soon found out though that 20th and 21st century life did not include shavers, or any other methods, that made it easy to remove any hair, let alone hair round your cock and balls. So I let it grow again. I'd love to get rid of it though. I used to shave everywhere, I tell Ianto. I've got this shaver, he says, it's supposed to be for all the hair below your neck, I've never used it. Oh, I say. I start to rub my cock against the nearest bit of Ianto I can reach, which is, at that moment, his butt. I've got it here, he says. What? I say. I stop rubbing against him and he turns to face me. He is grinning widely, I'll shave you, he tells me. I don't really want this ancient technology used on my privates. I hate shaving my beard with these things. I certainly don't want the most important parts of my body abused with them. I don't want to hurt Ianto's feelings, so I say, let's fuck first. So we do.

I start to prepare him, but he just says, I'm ready, do it. I can't see how he can be ready. Use spit, he instructs me. I've never found spit to be much use and I'm inclined to have a dry mouth when I'm aroused. He bends over my desk with his butt in the air. I obediently hold him open and apply as much spit as I can. Then I push it in with my fingers, one, then two, then three. I manage to open one of my desk drawers and find some skin cream. It's unperfumed and hypoallergenic. I don't know what use it'll be as lube but I try anyhow. I squirt some on his butt and work in it. Then I coat my cock in it. It feels weird. Very slick and shiny. When I try to guide my cock into him my hands slide on it. I manage to get a grip on it with difficulty. He's so slippery with the cream that fucking him through it is a very strange experience. There isn't enough grip. I can't come this way. Everything is too slippery and shiny and silky. I pull out and rub my cock until it's red and the cream on it has all gone, or maybe just soaked in. Then I try again. This time it's better. Much better.

I move backwards and forwards and Ianto is moving with me. We both start to make a lot of noise. He lifts his body off the desk a bit and I reach around and close my hand around his cock. Our movements cause my hand to move back and forth. I'm going to come. I can feel it building. I push hard into Ianto and start to spurt inside him. He comes too. Over my hand and the desk. I slowly ease out of him. My cock feels a bit raw. I think maybe I should have left some cream on it. Ianto straightens up. He's looking at my desk. I think I've ruined some paperwork, he says. Then I hear someone entering the Hub. Owen's voice shouts out, Ianto, are you still here? Thought I'd come back for you, we can go somewhere and get pissed. Ianto and I try to tidy ourselves before Owen discovers us. But we're too disordered. He sees us together. It's obvious what we've been doing. I see a slow grin spread over Owen's face.

FUCK!

 

Number Six. Mushrooms

 

Seeing Owen standing smirking is intensely maddening. I'm determined not to give way to the strong urge I have to simply throttle him though. Why he's come back at all is a mystery. I don't believe for a second that he actually wants to go anywhere with Ianto. I turn slowly to face him. I stop trying to pull up my pants and let him have an eyeful. My cock is bobbing at half mast and it's wet and red. It's a bit sore too but I ignore that and grab hold of it. Is this what you wanted to see Owen, I say, waving it at him. Since you're so interested in what Ianto and I do perhaps I should fuck you, I say, grinning at him. Then I'll do you, says Ianto, I bet you'd like that. You couldn't, says Owen. He is starting to look worried though. His smirk has completely disappeared.

I didn't believe for an instant all that shit about staying to do some work, Owen says, glaring at Ianto, you just wanted to bend over for the boss again. As he speaks I tidy up my clothing. What Ianto and I do in our spare time is our business, I say, however, I have it on good authority that your behavior toward a certain member of my team has been less than professional, and not in your spare time either. What I do with Gwen is...begins Owen angrily. I interrupt, everyone's business if it disturbs the working dynamics of the team. Owen kicks the wall. Presumably he'd really like to kick me. I'd certainly like to injure him. I suggest you go home, I tell him, coldly, and don't be late in the morning, I'm tired of your idiotic and unbelievable excuses about how you couldn't get away from some pick up or other. He starts to respond to this and then clearly thinks better of it. Ianto and I watch him leave. Ianto's fists are clenched. I wonder what to do about Owen. He is a problem. He's a good Doctor and is often useful in a crisis, but he has an abrasive personality.

Ianto and I have to clean up. We go to Ianto's apartment and send for pizza. I specifically ask for NO mushrooms. I hate mushrooms. But there they are, all over both pizzas. These particular mushrooms are small and black. They look uneatable. Mushrooms when I was young were nothing like the things 21st Century folk call mushrooms. They were three times bigger and came in dozens of different colors. They were delicious and you could eat them raw without worrying you were eating something poisonous. I'll pick them off yours, says Ianto helpfully. I watch as he removes all the mushrooms from my pizza and eats them. Then he picks up his pizza and carries it into the bedroom. I follow him, carrying mine. He is removing all his clothes. I watch for a moment and then remove mine. Lie down, he says. Obediently, I do. He then picks most of the topping off his pizza and decorates my body with it. I lie there covered in tomato, cheese and mushrooms. Ianto bends over me and starts to remove the food with his teeth and eat it. I have tomato in my navel. Ianto eats the tomato and then puts his tongue in my navel. He licks around the edge and then inside. It is an odd sensation. It doesn't exactly tickle. It's different. I start to get hard. Ianto isn't touching my cock at all. He moves up to my nipples which are covered in cheese. The cheese is growing cold now. Ianto eats it off me, managing to suck and lick my nipples as he does so.

I hate mushrooms but Ianto has found a new and interesting use for them. He's spread them all around my cock and balls. He lifts each piece of mushroom off me carefully with his teeth. Some of them catch in my hair but he manages to get them off without much bother and without pulling any hairs. I start to squirm and wriggle with excitement. Ianto avoids touching my cock but he sucks my balls. He says they have mushroom juice on them.

I'm very excited now. Ianto moves downward over my body licking and sucking and nibbling. I start to groan and moan and pant. He hasn't touched my cock but I'm bursting to come. He suddenly sits up and moves away from me. I sit up as well and see he's got the lube. Lift up, he says, and puts a pillow under my butt. I open my legs as wide as I can and raise my knees. Ianto leans forward and I feel his tongue tasting me. Please, please, I mumble. He squirts some of the lube out and I feel a finger enter me. I squirm and try to get it to go farther in than it can possibly go. He uses two fingers and scissors them. I'm making a lot of noise now. I'm actually shouting. Then he withdraws his fingers. I have my eyes shut. He enters me. It's so fantastically good that I feel myself on the verge on coming. Ianto senses this and says, hold on, Jack, hold on.

I squeeze the base of my cock to stop myself coming. This just makes my balls hurt. Ianto starts to move and I move with him. The bed is doing its usual noisy dance. I clutch the bedlinen. I going to come. I can't stop it a second time. I'm gonna come, I shout out to Ianto. He pushes hard into me and cries out as I shout. I feel him coming. I come too. We're both out of control. The bed has moved several inches away from the wall. I lower my legs and Ianto wraps his arms around me as I feel his cock sliding out. You're good at that, I say to him breathlessly. I aim to please, he says. It's so good to let Ianto take control. I sometimes get tired of being in charge of everything. It's great to let someone else make the decisions. I wouldn't like it all the time though.

We lie wrapped together for a while. Then we sit up and eat the remains of both pizzas. Ianto's has no topping but we eat it between us anyhow. We lie down again in the messy bed. I close my eyes and feel sleep hovering near. I know I should clean up first but I don't want to move. If I go to sleep now I'll regret it. I can't stop myself. Suddenly I open my eyes and I'm not in Ianto's bed any more. I'm back in the Hub. Owen is there too and Gwen. They're naked and they're fucking. I stand and watch them and feel myself getting hard. I open my pants and close my hand over my cock. I ease it out of my pants and start to jerk off. Then abruptly I'm not in the Hub any more. I'm in some unknown street, naked. It's cold and raining. I shudder and shiver and run to the nearest building. I hammer on the door and someone flings it open. It's Ianto and he's old. He's very old indeed. His hair is grey and stringy and he's bent and wizened. I cry out in horror and find I'm in bed still. I've been dreaming. I sit up in the bed and Ianto sits up too. He hugs me and I lean against him. He's young. It's such a relief.

Nightmare? Ianto says. I nod. Bad? he asks. Hideous, I reply. I'm so glad to be awake. We both lie down again with our arms around each other. I want suddenly to cry and moan and shout out, it isn't fair. One day Ianto'll be that old man and I'll still be as I am now. Being immortal is hell, I think. I lie awake as Ianto sleeps. I can't stop thinking about him growing old. I wish I could grow old. Grow old and and die like anyone else. Then I tell myself I'm older than him. It'll be a while before he's older than me. I close my eyes and sleep comes.

The next day we capture a Weevil. It is hiding in a basement in Newport. I manage to convince the young couple who own the house that the Weevil is a badly deformed escaped madman. Luckily the couple are not too bright. Two hours later the Weevil becomes violently ill. It vomits up all manner of revolting detritus. The most complete thing it produces is a human hand. Owen is very interested in this particular hand, because, unlike the others, it's wearing a ring. It is a gold ring with an engraving of a spider on it. I'm not fond of spiders. I hate the way they run sideways and the way they fall apart if you don't pick them up carefully. I'm not scared of them. Not exactly. I wouldn't admit to being scared of them to anyone anyhow. I know it's illogical. When I very young I ate a spider by mistake. It fell on something I was eating. I didn't even know it was there until I suddenly found I was chewing something strange. I pulled the thing out of my mouth and found it was part of a spider. I'd swallowed some of its legs already. I had nightmares for ages after that about spiders making webs inside me and I've never felt calm about them ever since. I've never been into eating insects somehow.

The fingerprints we got off the hands were not in any database, but now we have this distinctive ring. Perhaps we can find out how the Weevil ended up with this hand inside him. This is the third time this has happened and I think to myself, why would anyone want to have a ring engraved with a spider? Tosh informs us that it's not a British Spider. It's a Black Widow, she says. Since the three hands are all male this makes it even stranger. We should be able to identify the owner of this hand without too much difficulty, Gwen says. Owen is happily searching the Weevil's intestines for more pieces of body. The others didn't have any so I don't think this one will either. He suddenly shouts out, come and look at this. We all go to look. Owen has found something inside the Weevil. He puts whatever it is in a dish. We all look and I immediately wish I hadn't. The dish is full of large black spiders. Black Widows, says Tosh calmly. Oh, shit, shit, shit. 

 

Number Seven. Spiders.

 

The following day Tosh, Owen, Gwen and myself are in the SUV. We're going to see a certain Doctor Felix Napper who is breeding Black Widow spiders. It's a hot day so I'm glad it's not far. We're in a traffic jam, as Gwen calls it. Owen insisted on opening the windows so we are all being suffocated by fumes. It's not going to be a good day. Hmmn. Traffic jams are boring. Gwen and Owen are playing an idiotic game they call I-Spy. Owen has already failed to guess socks and is irritated. He complained that it had to be something you could see and Gwen couldn't see socks. Gwen said she could and pointed outside to a man walking along the bank at the side of the road. True enough, his socks were visible, as he was wearing shorts. He was wearing green socks. With sandals. Some folk have no taste.

I start to whistle. I like to whistle. Immediately everyone complains. Tosh says my whistle goes right through her head. When I was first here I found these strange sayings very hard to understand. Owen says if I don't stop whistling he'll shoot me, which seems to me to be a bit extreme. I stop whistling. We sit in the traffic being bored. Every now and then we move a short distance. This morning Ianto and I had one of Ianto's spectacular fried breakfasts. Unfortunately they give me indigestion. When I stop whistling I fart loudly. Everyone moans and Owen says he's going to walk the remainder of the way. Tosh says, what did you eat this morning, Jack? I list the items with relish. You name it, we had it. I start to feel cheerful. Ianto is safe in the Hub. Nothing will happen to him. He's safe. I start to whistle again. Then I fart again too. I have a feeling this is going to be a fun day.

It takes us three hours to reach the isolated farm house which is evidently the home of Doctor Felix Napper. The house is dilapidated. Part of the roof is actually missing. There's no sign of life at all. It's deserted, says Gwen. He probably lives in the cellar, says Owen. I knock firmly on the door at the front of the building and it's opened immediately. A wild head of red hair peers out. Underneath the mass of hair a pair of green eyes, a flattish nose and a thin mouth are visible. What? says the head, sharply. I explain that we've heard he breeds spiders and we want to buy some. For research purposes, Tosh adds. The door shuts and then opens wide admitting us. We are inside a large room. It's full of dusty furniture and heaps of old newspapers. There is so much in the room that following The Doctor into an adjoining room and down a flight of stairs is quite difficult. Everything smells musty and damp.

At last we're in the cellar, and there are the spiders in numerous tanks, hundreds of them. The smell is worse down here. Much worse. The Doctor indicates one of the tanks. These are available, he tells us. We look at them. I feel as if I might throw up. Several of the spiders appear to be feeding off other smaller spiders. It's a nightmare. I look at my team and notice that both Tosh and Gwen look a bit pale. Owen is fine. He asks all sorts of questions about the spiders. I would be happy to kill every spider in the place. I hate spiders. As the Doctor and Owen are talking I suddenly hear a weird rustling noise. It's coming from behind a door at one end of the cellar. What's that? asks Owen. The Doctor retreats away from us, mumbling that it's none of our business. However there are four of us and only one of him, so we go en masse to the door. It's locked. Naturally.

I order Doctor Napper to open the door. He starts to look pale and slinks toward the staircase. From above comes the sound of someone running. A young woman appears and hurries down the stairs toward us. She's wearing a long dress which clings to her body and she has bare feet. I can see her body through the dress. She's not wearing anything else. Doctor Napper stands half way up the stairs while the newcomer handles the sale. She says the spiders are forty pound each. She adds that she can supply us with everything we need to transport them. Owen says we need ten. While she is busy organizing this I open the locked door. Having futuristic gadgets is very handy. We look inside----

I hate spiders. I really hate them. Inside the room there are spiders. Thousands and thousands of spiders. All sizes and a number of different colors. There are even fluorescent spiders. There are spiders with big bodies and short legs. There are spiders with long legs and small bodies. There are even fluffy, furry spiders. The room has wooden beams and there are webs everywhere filled with other bugs, plus spiders of course. I feel bile rising in my mouth. I'm going to throw up. The room smells unbelievably foul. It smells like death and I know how that smells. I swallow hard. I am determined not to throw up in front of Owen. The room is lit by bare bulbs which are the only things in the room not covered in spiders. Owen pushes his way inside the room, bending low and brushing spiders off himself as he moves forward. I move in front of him. I am the leader. I will not show fear or disgust.

At the far end of the room I see something. Then I do throw up. I vomit on a large number of spiders. I knew I shouldn't have eaten that last slice of black pudding because there it is, hardly digested, lying on the back of a large green spider. Several other spiders run to it and begin to feed. Then I see Gwen throwing up as well. We finally battle our way to the end of the room where several bodies are lying. The remains of bodies anyhow. Spiders are devouring them. Some of the bodies are in an odd position. They have one hand threaded through a hole in the back wall. The other bodies are mostly a heap of sludge with a few recognizable features here and there. The recognizable ones are all male bodies. There are eleven in all.

Back in the main room we stand and brush spiders off each other. I throw up all over Owen's feet. He complains and says I've ruined a new pair of boots. The girl and the Doctor are still there. They haven't even tried to escape. I threaten to shoot them if they don't tell me where the bodies have come from. The Doctor says they're his and the girl, he calls her Annie, is his too. They like the hands, he says, they like the spiders too. Who does? I ask. Them who comes, he says. I ask him if there are any of these things that come here now and he laughs and says no, they come in the night. The girl, Annie, says that some have gotten away. Weevils, says Owen. Both of them are crazy. I decide they must be transported to cells in the Hub. Both of them and all the bodies. Hideous task dealing with those bodies. At that point a big red spider falls out of my hair. I stamp on it with great satisfaction.

We don't find any Weevils. What we do discover is that the bodies are devoured until the hand through the hole falls off the arm into a waiting container. It's all mad and there's no logic involved in this at all. Owen has to autopsy the bodies. Some of them are just bits. Six are fairly complete. Owen tells us that one was evidently killed only hours ago. He was strangled. As Owen cuts into one of the bodies, a black spider emerges from the remains of the nose and another from the penis, which is swollen and red. I say loudly that I trust Owen to do a good job and retreat to the bathroom. I stay there for some time. Tonight we must return to the Farm and watch for Weevils. It's going to be a long night so I lie down and try to take a nap. Ianto comes down after a few moments. He's brought some strong coffee.

Are you alright, Jack? he asks, as I drink the coffee. I say I am now. He wants to come with us tonight. I'm worried something will happen to him. He kisses me and I melt and agree to him accompanying us. Tosh will remain in the Hub. I lie down and try to sleep. Ianto squashes beside me and puts his arms around me. For once I'm not thinking of sex at all as I hug him in return. I try to sleep. Ianto's breathing changes as he falls asleep himself. I lie and look at the ceiling and I keep feeling a crawling sensation on my skin. I know there are no spiders on me because I've had a shower. I finally manage to get some sleep. I don't dream. When I awake I eat a sandwich Ianto has prepared. Then we set off into the night. Into the darkness.

 

Number Eight. Nettles.

 

I hate doing nothing. I've never been good at waiting around for something to happen. There's a lot of waiting around in this job and I've always hated waiting for anything. We've been here for three hours and absolutely NOTHING has occurred. Now I need to piss. I hate peeing out in the country. A long time ago something stung my cock when I was peeing against a tree. I found out that it was some weird plant called a stinging nettle. The cure involved me rubbing my cock with some other plant called a Dock. That sort of thing never happened before I traveled. I decide to hang on. The problem is, it's cold. The cold makes hanging on more difficult. I decide I'll go. I stand up and immediately there's a noise from the bushes in front of us. I duck down again. Gwen coughs loudly. SSH, I hush her. Owen is scratching his armpit. Even that is making a noise. In the darkness ahead I make out a large shape. It moves toward us. As it nears us I see it's a Weevil. A huge male Weevil. He's holding something. It's a human hand. We left some out as bait and the Weevil has fallen for it. It stops just in front of our hiding place and sits down on the ground. Then it opens its mouth and stuffs the hand in whole.

No table manners, says Owen. No wonder they get indigestion, says Gwen. Raw hand, says Ianto and laughs. We wait until the Weevil has finished with the hand and then watch as it moves away. I tell Owen and Gwen to follow it and see if it has friends. Ianto and I remain behind. As soon as Owen and Gwen are out of sight I stand up and pee. I make sure I can't see any of those damn nettle plants first. I hate peeing outdoors. I notice Ianto is watching me. It's dark and cold but I as soon as I finish I start to get hard. I'm just thinking of doing something about this when I hear another noise. Growling. An animal growl. An enormous black shape appears in view. It's moving on all fours and is definitely not of this world as it seems to have tentacles. It stops right in front of our hiding place. I pull out my gun. I'm about to shoot it when it leaps on me, flattening me with its weight. It moves incredibly fast for a large creature. It grips me with several black tentacles and with others it tears at my clothing. The tentacles have suckers on the end. I manage to drop my gun. I hope Ianto can find it in the dark. I can't see him.

I hear the noise of Ianto shooting the creature. I feel it recoil each time it's hit. It doesn't die. I'm kicking, biting and struggling but I'm like a gnat attacking an elephant. I'm naked and the thing holds me by the ankles and pulls me behind it as it moves through the wood. I don't see Ianto anywhere. I'm dragged along and my skin is getting cut and bruised and pain throbs through my legs and feet. The creature drags me through a large patch of Stinging Nettles, so I'm stung as well as everything else. Suddenly the thing stops moving and releases its hold. I sit up with difficulty, but before I can do anything else two tentacles shoot out from its side and turn me onto my face. I feel more tentacles pushing me down into the earth. Earth fills my mouth and nose. I'm suffocating. I can't die, I think, I'll be unconscious for a while and then I'll wake up and be fine again. I feel as if I am dying though. Then I feel something else. Oh, horror.

The thing seems to have an infinite number of tentacles. They pop out and pop in from places all over its body. It holds me down and penetrates me with a tentacle. I feel it opening me and then the overwhelming pain of unprepared penetration. I'm shouting out in pain and fright and attempting to move out of its grasp and swallowing more earth and trying to kick and the pain increases and increases and I can feel the suckers inside me and I try to lift my head out of the earth and I can't breathe I can't breathe I can't----

I think I've been unconscious because I'm aware of waking up. I'm still in the wood. I can hear the sound of heavy breathing nearby. I open my eyes and there is the creature. It's sitting beside me and it's eating a hand. It has a mouth, or at least a hole where a mouth should be, and it's breaking off bits of finger with a tentacle and putting them into the hole. I try to sit up. I hurt all over and I'm covered in cuts and scratches. I manage to sit up. As I do so the pain is incredible. I lie down again and roll onto one side. I feel myself carefully. I'm bleeding. I feel as if the tentacle is still inside me. I sit up again and grab onto a low tree branch and pull myself upright. The creature doesn't try to stop me. I walk away slowly, watching the animal all the time. It ignores me completely. It is concentrating on the hand. I'm naked and bleeding but I'm free.

Five minutes later I meet Owen, Gwen and Ianto. Ianto has told them about the creature and they're evidently on their way to rescue me. I have a definite feeling that Owen is disappointed that I've escaped on my own. Owen produces a blanket from the equipment case he's carrying. It's one of those weird things that they put around runners when they've finished a marathon. I can't think of the proper name for them as Owen wraps it around me with surprising care. Gwen and Ianto go to deal with the creature while Owen helps me back to the SUV. I can feel blood running down the back of my legs as I walk. I've been raped, I say to Owen as we walk along. By that thing? he asks, my God, it's a wonder you're upright. I start to laugh. It's really funny having Owen concerned for my well being. I laugh and laugh and manage to shout out, I was raped by a tentacle, I'll probably give birth to a whole gang of tentacles soon, and I was dragged through a patch of Nettles. For some reason this bothers me more than anything else. To be stung by a plant is so eerie. I hate nettles. I'm finally laughing so hard that I'm crying with laughter. I lean against a tree and laugh hysterically. Owen hovers around me. He looks worried. I'm not used to this and it makes me laugh even more.

When we reach the SUV Owen makes me lie down on some blankets while he examines me. He doesn't say much as he looks me over but he sighs loudly a couple of times. Finally he says, you've some tears, you need stitches, I can't do them here. He treats my cuts and scratches with something that stings almost as much as the nettles. He does something to my hole that makes me cry out with pain but the next moment I'm laughing again. I can't stop laughing. I realize that this is not a normal reaction. I keep laughing anyhow. Eventually I'm clothed and in the SUV. We always carry spare clothing with us. I sit laughing and laughing and I'm still laughing when Ianto and Gwen return. They've killed the creature. They burnt it. It simply collapsed in the flames and all that was left was some green sludge which Gwen has scooped into a container for later testing and analyzing. I hear Owen saying, we have to go back to the Hub and treat Jack properly, he's in a bad way. This makes me laugh harder. My face is hurting with laughing so much. I can't remember the last time I laughed so much.

Back in the Hub Owen gives me a jab with a needle that finally stops me laughing. As soon as I stop laughing I feel so miserable that I cry all the time Owen is stitching and treating my wounds. When everything is done Owen makes me go to bed. He gives me a pill and I fall asleep within minutes. All the time Owen is treating me Ianto stays beside me. He helps Owen. He hands him things and gives me Kleenex. I cry through almost a whole box. When I awake the next morning I don't feel like laughing or crying. I'm simply angry. Ianto has stayed the night and slept in a chair. I start the day by shouting at him and telling him he should have gone home. When Owen arrives and wants to examine me I let him but I complain the whole time. All day I'm in a foul mood. I'm aware that I'm being unfair but I can't stop myself. I can't sit down unless I'm on several cushions and this makes me mad too. I can't find any cushions soft enough. I shout at my team all day long and complain about everything and they're all totally calm and understanding. I'm so mad with them I could kill them all, even Ianto.

Finally my rage gets the better of me and I go to the cells. Doctor Napper and Annie are locked up down there. Analysis has revealed that all the corpses and Annie are related to Doctor Napper. They're almost certainly his siblings and Annie is his daughter. A search through the farm revealed a embalmed female body upstairs on a bed. This was evidently Annie's Mother. She had been strangled. Owen and Gwen destroyed the farm. They burned it down. No evidence would be left for anyone to find. Everything has gone. I look at the Doctor and then I look in the next cell at Annie. They are both calmly sleeping. I shoot them. I shoot both of them in the head. As soon as I've done it I wish I hadn't. I fall down onto the floor by the cells. I'm so tired of everything. I can still feel the tentacle inside me. I can still feel it pushing deeper. I think, I can't die, I'm immortal, I'm immortal. I want some rest from the way I feel and the thoughts that keep running through my head. I can still feel the tentacle inside me, pushing in. I put the gun to my head. I squeeze the trigger. Darkness comes.

 

Number Nine. The Morgue.

 

I don't know how much time passes before I awake again. I'm just suddenly conscious of being very cold and lying flat on my back. Something wet is dripping on my face. It must have been dripping for a while because my face feels quite damp. I open my eyes and see Ianto's face above mine. He's crying. It's his tears that are wetting me. Ianto, I say. My voice is low and hoarse. Ianto wipes a hand over his eyes and says, Jack, oh Jack. Then he leans down and kisses my mouth. I can't kiss him back because I'm too cold. I'm so cold I can hardly feel my body at all. I realize I'm in what I call The Morgue. Again. I hate being here. Then I remember. I shot myself.

Ianto calls to the others and soon I'm being removed from the cold slab I'm lying on. I'm so cold I can't do anything and I have to be carried. They take me to my bed and put me down on it and it's then a joint effort to warm me up. Tosh is rubbing my legs and feet, Gwen is doing my arms and hands, Owen is rubbing my chest and Ianto is busy massaging my head and face. It's strange having them all fussing over me. It makes me feel guilty. I can't understand why I behaved so idiotically. I shot myself. Why? I know I can't die. I suddenly remember how I felt when I put the gun to my head but it already seems like months ago. How long? I ask, as they finally cease rubbing and massaging and thread me into the bed. Four days, says Ianto. Four days, I think, no wonder I was cold! We thought you'd really died this time, says Tosh.

They bring me coffee and Ianto helps me to sit up so I can drink it. He sits on the edge of the bed and watches me. He looks serious. Finally he says, why did you do it, Jack? Why did I do it? I think, well, because I'm tired of this half life I'm living. Because I'm tired of being responsible all the time. Because I'm tired of everyone leaving me. Because I'm just tired. I can't explain any of this to Ianto. There's no way he can possibly understand. I was just tired of it all, I say, at last. Yes, he says, there's only so much one person can take before something has to give, you ought to stop living here and come and live with me, you ought to get some kind of life away from this place. I am surprised at his words. He actually does understand some of the dilemma I'm in. My eyes fill with tears. Ianto takes the coffee cup from my hand and puts it down on the floor. He leans forward and puts his arms around me. I lean against him and sob into his shoulder. I'm not crying just for myself. I'm crying for all those people I've known that I couldn't help, like the man whose name I use. I'm crying for all the people I've loved and lost and will never meet again. I'm crying for all the wrong decisions I've taken in the past. I'm crying for all the decisions I'll have to make in the future. It's exhausting.

I finally stop crying and lean away from Ianto. I look into his face and see he's been crying with me. I'll get you something to eat , he says at last, you must be starving. I'm not conscious of being hungry, not really, but I let him go anyhow. I lie back in the bed. My body is slowly coming to life. I'm tingling all over. Ianto is so much stronger than people imagine, I think, in a way he's stronger than me. I close my eyes. I feel tired. I think, I've been resting for four days, I should be wide awake now. My body has other ideas, though. I roll onto my right hand side and relax. I sleep.

I wake up suddenly and completely. It's dark and very quiet. I sit up. I get out of bed. I'm a bit unsteady but I manage to switch on a light. I make my way to the bathroom. I'm just getting in the shower when Ianto comes in. What are you doing, Jack? he shouts at me, you might fall or something. I'm O.K., I say. He obviously doesn't believe me. He strips with remarkable speed and joins me in the shower. I let him wash me. I'm a bit worried when all the touching and rubbing doesn't make me hard. My cock is asleep it seems. It remains resolutely limp. Ianto helps me dry myself. I'm surprisingly stiff. In fact, I'm stiff everywhere except where I'd like to be stiff. It's good to put on some clothing although I have to have Ianto's help again. It takes a lot of effort to get out of the Hub and even more to get to Ianto's apartment. By the time I'm there and seated on the sofa I'm exhausted.

Ianto sends out for some Chinese Food. He says it'll be a change. While we're waiting for it to arrive I take a nap. I don't know why I'm so tired, I haven't done anything for days. When the food arrives I'm so tired I can hardly eat. Ianto eats his own and feeds me bits of mine at the same time. I can't keep my eyes open and at one point I wake up with a jerk to find my mouth is full of noodles. I'm vastly relieved when Ianto suggests bed. Bed, I think, sleep, great. I go to pee and I fall asleep standing up in front of the toilet. I wake up to find I've dripped on my bare feet. I can't be bothered to shower again, so I wet a washcloth and give them a quick rub. Then I go to bed. Ianto joins me and I roll over and wrap myself around him. He feels fantastic. Warm and firm and welcoming. I love bed, I hear my voice saying, seemingly without my brain having anything to do with it, lovely, lovely bed. Good, I'm glad, Ianto replies, go to sleep, Jack, tomorrow is another day. Of course it is, I think sleepily.

I wake up and I'm lying on my side. I'm sort of lying in Ianto's lap. He's hard too. I can feel his cock pressing against my butt. My own is awake as well and demanding attention. I suddenly feel happy. I wriggle against Ianto and I feel his arms come up and wrap around me. He murmurs, mmnn, in my ear and then kisses it. I think, this is a great way to wake up. He kisses my neck and moves down my back, kissing, licking and nibbling. I want to see his face. I turn slowly in the bed and flatten myself against him. Our mouths blend together and I feel his tongue exploring the roof of my mouth and our tongues touch and I feel alive for the first time in a while. Hmmn, Jack, he says and he rolls us over so that he is on top. He sits up. He is literally sitting on me with his legs each side of my hips. He turns around slowly so that I'm looking at his back and leans right over until his mouth touches my cock. I don't know how he does that. He's nearly bent in two.

He starts to suck me. Slowly at first. Moving his mouth up and down on me. I can't stop myself thrusting up into the warm wetness of his mouth, but before I've gotten near coming he moves away from me. He gets the lube. I open my legs and bend my knees. I feel his fingers exploring me, stretching me out, opening me for him. I love his fingers. He withdraws them and I feel his cock, hot and hard, pressing up against me. I'm groaning and panting and I feel his cock entering me. My body is opening for him. I lift my legs and open them so far apart I can feel my thighs complaining. He starts to move in long strokes and each time he pushes in I feel his balls slap against me. I begin to move in counterpart to his movements. We're both making noise now, the bed is squeaking and my ass is squeaking too. It's making the usual noises. What I always think of as fuck noise. I feel myself on the verge of coming. The familiar swelling feeling. I can't quite get there. I can't. Ianto senses my problem and reaches for my cock at the same time as I do. Our hands meet around my aching cock. We move our hands together as he moves inside me. My body is tensing and twitching and I feel my cock throbbing and jerking and I'm coming and coming and I feel him spurting inside me and we're exactly together to the second exactly.

We lie joined until Ianto slips out of me. He kisses me gently and says in my ear, hair of the dog. I have to think what he means. Then I realize. The rape. While I was dead I must have healed and Ianto has made sure I'll never be afraid of penetration. About living with you, I say, I'll think about it. Good, he says, and smiles. As the day passes I think of Ianto inside me and I don't think of the tentacle. Not even once.

 

Number Ten. Shopping.

 

Well, here I am then. I'm living in Ianto's apartment. I moved in here last week. Ianto seemed shocked at how little I had to bring with me. I evidently haven't enough personal possessions and I definitely haven't enough clothes. I'm happy with my clothes. So some of them are old fashioned. So some of them are just old. I like them. Ianto doesn't. I've stalled him for a week but I can't delay the inevitable any longer. We're going shopping. I hate shopping. I really hate it. I'm doing it anyhow. Hell.

Ianto takes me to a large store which has everything, according to him. The men's department is on level four, which I persist in thinking is level five. Ianto wants me to buy a suit. I don't want a suit. I am hampered in my resolve though by an overwhelming desire to please Ianto. I'm getting soft. We look at rows of suits. I don't like any of them. Ianto likes most of them. He finds three in my size and two in his and we go to try them on. There is a man at the entrance to the Changing room. He gives Ianto two metal tickets and me three and we go in. There is one big changing room for the men. The women, Ianto says, have separate rooms. I wonder how he knows! There are already four men in the room in various stages of undress. Ianto hangs his suits up on the rail on the wall and I stand next to him and do the same.

Ianto removes the suit he's wearing and pulls on the pants of the light colored suit he has chosen. The legs are too long. I start to remove my own clothing feeling suddenly conspicuous. The man on my left is trying on a pair of stone washed jeans. They are too tight. He struggles to do them up. He turns to me and says, do these look too tight to you? Yes, I say truthfully. Thought so, says the man with a resigned sigh. Unfortunately the blue suit Ianto picked for me fits perfectly. The room has mirrors everywhere and I see a total stranger staring at me wearing a light blue suit. It's not me. I don't know who it is. Ianto smiles at me. That's great, it looks good, he says. My friend with the tight jeans is looking too. He's right, he says, I wish my jeans fitted me like that, they didn't have my size and I thought these might do.

Neither of Ianto's suits fit him. All three of mine fit. Ianto decides I ought to have all three. I have no idea why I need even one suit. I certainly don't need three. It's a nightmare. Worse is to come however. I need underwear. I need socks. I need new shirts. I even need sweaters. This is going to cost me a fortune. We go and look at the underpants. There are some with a curious yellow creature on the front. Homer Simpson, says Ianto. I don't comment on that. Ianto gets a pair for himself. I don't like underwear. I only put on boxers today because I knew I'd have to remove my pants in public. I like plain white underpants with plenty of room in them. Just in case something comes up.

After what seems hours we finally leave the men's clothing department. Ianto has purchased one pair of underpants. I have bought three suits, six pairs of socks, five shirts, ten pairs of underpants, four sweaters and a vest. The vest is the only thing I like. It's green with snakes embroidered down the front. I love it. Ianto hates it. I intend to wear it with the blue suit Ianto insisted I buy. The colors clash terribly. We go up to the highest level of the store and I sit down with all the clothing and Ianto gets some coffee and two curious things called toasted tea cakes. Ianto says mostly old people like them but he loves them. They are hot and are running in some kind of fat. They have dried fruit in them. The coffee isn't. Coffee that is. I don't know what the store have done to it but it isn't coffee. No way. I'm thirsty and hungry after all the shopping. I drink the coffee that isn't coffee and eat the cake that isn't a cake .

We then find our way to the second level, which is really the third, and look at bedlinen. I start to feel happier. I like sheets. Love them, in fact. When I was very young I can remember staying with my paternal Grandmother. She was very old fashioned. She had bedsheets. They were kind of furry. I soon found that it was great fun to rub my cock on them. I was too young to come them. Just as well. When I was a bit older I found all sorts of interesting things to rub against. Then I discovered the fun of putting my cock into things. We used to eat round loaves that had a crunchy topping on them. They had a firm, almost hard interior, that ruined your teeth if you weren't careful. I found that if you scraped, or ate, the topping off, and then made a hole through the center of the loaf you could put your cock in the loaf. Of course it ruined the loaf. I find I'm wondering if anyone has ever fucked a tea cake. It would have to be an uncooked tea cake.

We look at the sheets and agree that black is good for sheets, and purple. They come in sets which include pillows. We buy a black set and a purple one. Then we go straight home to try them out. We are at last in total agreement. These sheets and pillows definitely need to be used. Right away. Within ten minutes of arriving home we're naked and on the new sheets. We put the black sheets on the bed and stripped in record time. Ianto didn't even fold his clothing. I never fold mine anyhow. Ianto usually picks them up and folds or hangs them up for me. He did that even when I was living in the Hub. The sheets feel great. We roll about on them. I kiss every bit of Ianto I can reach without injuring myself and he does the same for me. We are engaged in a kind of kissing wrestling match. The black sheets make Ianto's skin look fantastic.

I roll us over so I am on top and suck Ianto's nipples. I lick them and nibble them and he groans and I feel him thrusting his cock against me. It's very hard. I move down his body and go to work on his balls. I avoid his cock. I suck his balls into my mouth, first one and then the other. As I do it I'm suddenly aware that I'm rubbing my cock on the bedsheets. I don't want to come that way so I stop moving. Ianto moans and holds me tight against him. I want to fuck him. I want it badly. I wriggle out of his grasp and sit up. The lube is on a cupboard next to the bed. I get hold of it and Ianto rolls onto his back and lifts his legs. I put a pillow under his butt and look at his hole. It's one of my favorite things. I start to move first one finger, then two, in and out of it. I move my fingers in a circular motion, pushing in deeper. Ianto cries out. I lean back and rub plenty of lube on my cock and I guide the head up against his hole and shove forward and in. I start to fuck him. I fuck him harder and harder and we're both making lots of noise. I'm going to come, I'm going to come. I feel the energy building inside me. Forcing through me. I come, spurting inside Ianto's hot warmth. He cries out loudly and I feel him squeezing me as he shoots all over his chest.

We've ruined the new sheets. I love to ruin sheets this way. We were in such a hurry we didn't put a towel down. We lie wrapped so closely together that although I'm not inside him now we're still almost like one person. I feel sleepy. Ianto already has his eyes shut but he's not asleep yet. Love you, I say, kissing his neck. I love you too, he says, are you glad you moved in now? Am I glad? Yes, I say, I'm very happy. I am too. Despite everything I'm suddenly ecstatically happy. Who knows the future? I know some of it, but I don't know my bit of it any more than Ianto knows his. Our future lies ahead, full of surprises. I might become mortal again. We both might be killed tomorrow. Who knows? But I've lived and I've loved and I have Ianto. He's my other half. The better half too. Our bodies fit together perfectly. Our lives are now inextricable linked. I feel his breathing change as he falls asleep. I love even the way his chest moves as he sleeps. I love him more than life itself. I understand so many things now I couldn't understand before. How one person can so fill your world that you would sacrifice anything for them, even your own life. Tomorrow is another day filled with infinite possibilities. Roll on tomorrow. I sleep.

 

THE END


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